Hi, everyone. Sorry I am behind in writing. I tried to post earlier and accidentally erased the message I had spent about an hour typing up. This caused a small breakdown which made me realize it was time for a timeout. My parents took me on a little picnic so I could get fresh air and for about 20 seconds I let my mind stop obsessing about this catastrophe.
Scott had a pretty good weekend. He has been breathing on his own with the vent on CPAP since I wrote last. Last night they tried to give his lungs a break and the respiratory therapist turned the vent up a notch and Scott got very worked up. He wanted them to turn it back to CPAP. Once they did he calmed down. I was told that if he continues to do well on the vent they plan on trying him on just oxygen tomorrow. The typical amount of O2 in the air is 28% and Scott is taking in 30% with the vent so they hope he will tolerate this well. If we can ween him off the vent and we can get him to manage his lung secretions with productive coughs we can get the trach out eventually. This is awesome news because this means that Scott will be able to talk freely without trying to get his voice over the trach. When this happens this means I can hear his voice again and stop my daily calls to his VM to hear his voice. This could take a little bit of time, however, because he does still have to heal the area that the tube for his lung was in and his muscles have to get strong enough to make a strong enough cough.
They have officially pulled all the IV medications and he is down to only the IV bag. The only problem we are having is trying to get a pain med that suites Scott. He hasn’t had a proper night of sleep in quite some time because some of the meds were causing hallucinations. After a couple nights of hallucinations and the lack of sleep they think he is suffering from something they call “trauma room psychosis”. Once they get the meds right and Scott catches up on his Z’s he’ll be more cognisant. Right now watching the effects of the meds is not the most pleasant thing. He’s is not in pain but it’s hard to watch for the family and I.
Father Richardson came by today to say some prayers with Scott and I and that helped me a lot. I’ve been really having a tough time the last few days. I’ve been mourning so many things. There are no words to express the pain I feel for Scott and for the loss of the life that we once knew. I find myself waking up every day wishing that I could wake up and this nightmare would be over. I find myself imagining everyday what we would typically be doing on a “normal” day. For example, today is Sunday so normally we would wake up and Scott would be a bundle of energy playing with Kingsly, making coffee, and trying to get my lazy bones out of bed. We’d head to church and then get lunch at Jakes on the Lake and probably sit by the pool or go house hunting. I miss my old life SO much. I miss my best friend. I miss his laugh, his smile, his energy, his spontaneous ideas, the way it felt to have his hand squeeze mine, I miss his everything. I feel so angry that he had so much taken from him. I know that I need to stop looking back at all the good I once had in my life and start looking forward at the good to come. I also know that Scott has made remarkable strides so far and I am SO grateful to God for them but I just wish I could take this from Scott somehow. I don’t want him to feel any physical or emotional pain. He is such an amazing person. He doesn’t deserve this. No one deserves this. Please continue the prayers. Despite my dismal mood the past two days you’re messages of faith and hope DO inspire me. It’s just that the family and I are on the worlds WORST emotional roller coaster ride ever. I’m sure God will bless us all with a better day tomorrow.