Hi everyone! This is Kristy. I apologize that it has been so long since I have written my own entry. As you all know, I have gone back to work so I don’t have very much free time to write. In addition, I do a lot of introspection prior to posting and I will be honest in saying that over the last several months it has been extremely painful for me to look back, to look in and to look at present so it is therefore easier not to write. However, yesterday marked seven months post injury and my 30th birthday so I thought it was fitting to take the time post to bring everyone up to speed on things from my angle.
As you all know, Scott is battling another bought of pneumonia as well as a bladder infection. He is doing a remarkable job of battling this as he always does. Scott’s strength NEVER ceases to amaze me. I do not want to make it sound as though he does not have his moments because he is human and has weak times but he is dealing with this injury so much better than I know I could. His hope, faith, and love are so inspiring. I wish I had a fraction of the gumption Scott possesses. Despite the battles Scott has to face everyday, he still manages to retain a sense of humor that most would envy. He has an uncanny way of making the staff members laugh aloud and of making the older female residents swoon. I bought him a tee shirt for Valentine’s Day that says “The Ladies Love me.” I could not think of a more fitting tee for the resident stud!
Although Scott is a bit ill at the moment, his stay at Rae Ann has been great. The staff has really bonded with Scott and taken personal responsibility in making sure that he well taken care of. Many of the staff members are continuously trying to come up with ways to make Scott’s life more pleasant. For example, one of the nurses is attempting to get a shower bed brought in so that Scott can get his first “real” shower in seven months.
The therapy has been quite aggressive and they are really trying to push the envelope with Scott. I love it! They are doing electronic stimulation to activate Scott’s biceps and triceps. As you, all have seen in the pictures, they have been allowing Scott to sit with his feet on the ground, which is great for his wellbeing. They are also talking about trying to get a tilt table in order to get Scott standing on his own two feet. Everyday they are working on getting Scott to tolerate sitting up at 90 degrees for longer durations with the ultimate goal of allowing Scott to stand. All of these things are, in my humble opinion, imperative to rebuilding Scott’s confidence.
Scott really enjoys pet therapy these days. Scotts had several of his feline family members and Rusty, Mom and Dad Fedors dog, up. Kingsly has also come by and though her behavior is improving she is still probably the worst behaved! Scott loves the affection the animals give him. His sensation goes to about mid bicep on his arm and about the nipple line of his chest. Scott is extremely sensitive in these areas now and really enjoys being touched by humans and furry friends in these spots.
All and all, Scott is my hero. He has come so incredibly far over these seven months. I think back to that day I turned him over in the water, I see where he is now, and I immediately get tears in my eyes. He is SO brave. Again, I wish I had a fraction of that.
I know that I have also come a long way. I see that but I still struggle. I lost my able-bodied husband that day. I have been mourning that loss and I cannot say that I have handled it with half the courage or grace that Scott has. I have resorted to feeling angry and resentful at the situation at times. I would be lying if I said that I do not lament over the past.
I miss my old Scott with all of my heart. I have ached in places I did not even realize I had inside me. I miss having him hold me. I miss lying on the couch with my legs on his legs and making barking noises while wiggling my feet in his face to “hint” that I wanted a foot rub while he watched basketball. I miss all the spontaneity that we once had. I miss having Scott open jars that I could not open. I miss not having to do the bills. I miss the way Scott made me coffee and fried egg sandwiches on Saturday mornings. I miss having him kill the spiders and other insects that creep into the apartment. I hate that I did not cherish all of moments I just mentioned as much as I should have. I still lie in bed at night going over all of the little details of my “old” life and remember all the fun we used to have. Sometimes after a glass or two of wine, I allow my mind to wonder about where we would be today if that day never happened. Would we have bought a house by now? Would I be pregnant? Would we be booking this years vacation? The happy possibilities seem endless.
I know it is human to just assume you will always have another opportunity to hug your loved ones but I wish I would not have. Sure, I can still hug Scott but many times that triggers a painful spasm and after seven months, frankly, I miss being on the receiving end of the hugs. It is difficult to not feel like we were robbed of so much. While I hurt so much for us, the majority of my pain comes from hurting for Scott. There is an incredible amount of pain in not being able to take this injury away from Scott. I see the pain in his eyes, I am helpless, and I hate that. I want to be able to take this all from him and I cannot. It just does not seem fair that anyone especially someone as good as Scott has to endure this.
I recognize that it probably sounds like it is all sadness and blues on my end and I want to clarify that it is not. Pieces of my soul are coming back to me. It still hurts to think of that fateful day but the edges are getting less jagged and I do not think of that day as much as I did. I laugh now. I actually laugh a lot. I feel hopeful at the simple prospects in life and I have many moments of peace. I am pretty convinced that my nephews, nieces and Kingsly are my personal angels. Gifts from God to me and I am eternally grateful. They were the first to make me feel peace and to feel like me again. I feel thankful that Scott is still here. Despite the pain, we do still laugh and we are still making memories. They certainly are not the memories we wish we were making but they are pleasant moments nonetheless. This accident has changed our relationship and our love but although it feels different, I love Scott more today than I did seven months ago. It is a very overwhelming, unconditional, absolute love. I have learned a lot from the accident. I have learned a lot about life and love. I am also learning to accept a past that I regret.
Thank you all for your continued prayers and support for Scott, myself and for our families. This has been a long journey and we still have a long way to go. We are all in the process of healing. I am sorry for the silence on my end but I’ve been struggling and mourning this loss and unfortunately I don’t always know how to deal. I’ve lived a relatively charmed life up until this point so grief and loss this great are new emotions for me. I just do not want anyone to think that I am not grateful for the support. I’ve been thanking God for all the support in my daily prayers.