The frustrating thing about spinal cord injuries is how the injury steals your body from you; it takes over all control, renders you helpless and leaves you a passive passenger on a very bumpy ride you never wanted to take. I spent the past two nights back in the hospital. I won’t go into detail but I lost a lot of blood and had my blood pressure spend most of the first night at 40/28. I am not sure how many of you have ever experienced such a low drop in pressure, but it’s not fun and somewhat scary. Lying in the ER bed I couldn’t help but revert back to asking the same questions for which I still have not found the answers. Why me? What’s next? How much can one person endure? Why have I not gotten anything back yet? What’s the point of working hard if I never truly will be whole again? Do I really want to live my life feeling this way? Is there something special in store for me? If so, when will I realize it? It’s hard to block out all these thoughts and stay positive when you find yourself in these types of situations. At least for me it is. Man do I wish there was some sign that better days were on their way. As my dad always reminds me, “this too shall pass” but I can’t help but think something else will take its place in the near future. I’m tired of feeling helpless, of working so hard and not getting a return that I want. I hate hearing how much progress I’ve made, because it doesn’t feel that way to me. It just plain sucks. It really sucks. Yet, at the same time I’m mad to be in the hospital because it keeps me out of another therapy session. To be honest, there are times though that I want to lie in bed, turn off the lights, close my eyes, fall asleep and quit working. Honestly I often feel this way in the morning when I wake up but there is something inside of me that makes me get up, go to therapy and keep moving forward. And I usually feel great after my therapy sessions. It is then when I have the hope that I will get better. I will be able to play with my nieces and nephews again; I will be able to take Rusty for a run and I will be able to get my body to listen to me again. I’d be a therapy junkie. You wouldn’t be able to get me out of the gym. I wouldn’t stop working until I had my body where I wanted it. In fact I don’t plan to stop working now; I just wish I had more to show as a result. Anyway, I will be out of the hospital soon, back in therapy and continue to work hard towards my miracle. I’ll be sure to keep you all posted. Thanks for all the prayers and support.
Scott