Maybe it is all the crappy weather we’ve been having, but today is a pretty down day for me. Just felt I needed to vent a little. Every now and then, I have bad days. It’s during these times that I find myself stuck in the past, unaccepting of the present, and scared of the future.
Why me? I know a lot of people in my situation say they have never asked that question, but I find it a hard one to ignore. Sometimes I feel as if my best days are behind me and it seems so unfair. I miss the life I had with my wife, family and friends. I miss everything that most take for granted – sitting on the couch flipping through tv channels cause you’re bored with nothing to do; crawling around on my hands and knees playing with Kingsly, our cat; running up to the grocery store around the corner to get a few bottles of wine to settle in with my wife on a snowy evening; driving in my car while looking for someplace to eat; scratching myself when I have an itch; making egg sandwiches and coffee for Krsity and I on the weekends; walking.
I just miss being able to wake up and do whatever I feel like doing with no limitations. I miss planning for a future full of children and family vacations; I miss playing Guitar Hero with my nieces and nephews. It’s tough not to ask “why me” when you’ seem to have lost everything for no reason other than a freak accident that you never thought would hapen to you.
It’s tough to not feel like a burden to those who love and care for me. I am so thankful for all the support I receive but only wish I could give back and not always take, take, take. It gets very tough at times and it’s not always easy to find the strength to pick yourself up. I admire others in my situation who have been dealing with their injuries in a positive and graceful way. Some of them are very happy and seem to go on as if nothing happened. It is not always that easy for me. I have been blessed to have done a lot of great things in my life but thinking of all those things doesn’t satisfy me, it only leaves me wanting for more.
The future seems so unclear and confusing and scary and lonely and limiting. I used to be so excited for every tomorrow, so full of life, so eager and energetic to do it all. I don’t feel that way any more; I feel that my injury is not only robbed my physical capability but also the capability to dream big and believe those dreams would come true. I know I am supposed to be happy to be alive and excited about what the future holds but it’s not always easy. I miss my wife, my family, and my friends. I miss the life I had with them; I miss the way it was. I would give up 25 years of my life for just a few more years of the way it used to be. Enough years to have children, to celebrate a 10th wedding anniversary, to throw a surprise party for my wife, to travel and to build my dream home. Sure, some of those things people will say I can still do – but it’s not the same and it’s very, very difficult to accept the fact that it may never be the same.
I say “may never” because a part of me still wants to believe there will be a miracle, a breakthrough in medicine and science, a way to get back to the way I was eight months ago.
I’m not trying to be a downer and to make all those who read this sad, but these are natural feelings and emotions that sometimes are too great to keep bottled up. Maybe it’s the weather, maybe it”s the headaches, maybe it’s my limp arms and legs or maybe it’s the fact that I haven’t been able to touch or feel or hug anyone in what seems like an eternity, but something possessed me to feel the need to share my thoughts.
My Dad tells me I have more good days than bad days and I should see that as the progress I’ve made. And it’s true. I just long for the days when the good days will feel great and the bad days won’t feel as bad. I just long for the days when I will feel.
Again, all of the support is so appreciated and your thoughts and prayers do make a difference. It is that support that pulls me through days like today and helps me appreciate the good days.
Scott